In my daily work, I see people carrying a variety of “negative emotions”, from resentment to anger to downright fury, generally relating to life experiences that have come to be defining moments – the “negative” emotional response has become part of their self-concept, and factors in their interactions with both themselves and the external world. Their view of the world, and particularly of other people, is indelibly coloured by their emotional response to events of the past.

“Love and light” platitudes are not going to work. At best, all you will get is what is effectively an emotional shutdown, with the person in front of you mouthing words of “yes I can forgive and move on” just to appease you but who cannot wait to escape your company. You are not helping. These emotions are deep and strong – they have a power of their own – and merely dismissing them as something to be banished is not only not helpful, it is wasting a potentially powerful resource that the person can harness and use to their ultimate advantage.

The key is in working with people to direct that energy in a way that is personally constructive, not destructive. There are two things that very powerful emotions can do – they can either empower you or overwhelm you. Denying the emotion or wallowing in it is most likely to lead to overwhelm – rumination, depression and self-criticism – with the person effectively becoming a hostage to the emotion and many associated self-destructive behaviours and cognitions. However, owning the emotion – validating it and working with it – can lead to empowering experiences, including resilience, strength, increased self-esteem and self-actualisation.

This is particularly true for people who have experienced abuse of any kind – whether it is physical or domestic violence, sexual assault, emotional abuse, bullying, ostracism or any other damaging and aggressive behaviour from others. Minimising or dismissing the strong emotions that follow these experiences, no matter how well-intentioned (such as telling people things like “forgive and forget” or “move on and get on with life”) or how dressed up they may be in professional, spiritual or supportive language, is in many ways just a continuation of the abuse. The original abuser sought to make their target weak and a victim – to diminish them and make them feel that they were of lower value than others. Telling them to “forgive and move on”, no matter how well-intentioned, is effectively telling someone that the events which had a major emotionally traumatic impact just don’t matter all that much, and not being able to “put it behind you” is a sign of weakness. If you truly want to help, then your role is to assist people to be stronger, not tell them that they are weak.

How much more powerful is a truly supportive approach – having someone who will accept, understand and validate the reasons for the emotions, and who will work beside you to harness that power for real and enduring emotional healing? This is what can make the difference between a ‘victim’ and a survivor – neither forgets, and neither forgives – but the survivor takes the energy of the anger to make a positive difference in their world. They have been validated and strengthened, not dismissed with platitudes. Their justified anger can lead to all sorts of empowered actions, such as becoming a vocal advocate, a compassionate and fierce supporter of others, a champion of causes, or a personal and professional success.

Those “negative emotions” can be the fuel to fire any number of positive outcomes. The events that caused the emotions will never go away, and will never lose their significance – but the validated survivor writes a whole new meaning into that significance. They can be angry and proud, not hurt and defeated.

After all, living well is the best revenge. Use the hurt and the anger – and live spectacularly.

A certain level of multitasking comes naturally to some people. It’s a common source of humour that women to it better than men, which may have an evolutionary base (see Allan and Barbara Pease “Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps”) – in our ancient past, women needed to concurrently tend to the house and the plants while watching the children while men needed singularity of focus to hunt and spear food without becoming mastodon lunch. Some personality types (particularly NFs) deal reasonably well with interruptions when they are operating at their mature best (though this is a two-edged sword … NFs are highly prone to “shiny thing syndrome”, and can get easily distracted) – others (particularly SJs) loathe interrputions and distractions and operate best when left alone to finish what they started. Is multitasking really being more productive, or is it just giving superficial attention (and therefore less than our best) to many things, leading to an overall sense of dissatisfaction and potential stress?

One of the hallmarks of good coaching is that for the duration of the coaching session, the client has 100% of the coach’s attention. The coach is fully present in the moment with the clent – and for many people, the mere experience of a conversation with absolutely no other distractions is transformative. No phones, no emails – just complete attention on talking about the matter to hand. For some, it is almost like a completely ‘new’ experience.

I know that when I sit down to write or study that I am significantly more productive if I remove the temptation to multitask – when I shut down the phones, email and extraneous internet pages and devote an alloted period of time to one thing only, I can produce results of much higher quality in much less time – as well as feeling less stressed and less “busy”.

What could you achieve by dedicated sequential tasking, rather than trying to split your attention over many things at once?

Elements of the corporate world seem to be enamoured of the appearance of “busyness” and see multitasking as an essential (or at least desirable) skill. In coaching people on stress and time management, I have heard again and again “EVERYTHING is urgent. I can’t prioritise tasks – I have to do it all, and do it all at once.” This is a patently ridiculous expectation, especially if it is teamed with an expectation of quality. (Ever wonder WHY those laws against simultaneously texting or talking on the phone and driving exist? It’s because when we multitask, we are not giving attention to the things we are supposed to be doing well!) It is just not possible to simultaneously give great customer service (which by definition means actually listening to what they are saying), reply to an email, prepare for a meeting, update a spreadsheet and design a solution. Yes, you look busy. You are ludicrously busy. And NOTHING is getting your best – the skills you were probably hired for in the first place. The expectation of multitasking leads only to a stressed employee who is fast approaching burnout, dissatisfied customers who are quite aware they were not really being listened to, and potential mistakes and rework on important documents and projects because nothing was given the level of attention it really required.

The same applies to our personal lives, and our personal relationships. In the culture of multitasking busyness, how often have you found yourself feeling not terribly important to the person you are talking to, because they are simultaneously doing something else? How much better would that interaction be if both parties turned off the TV, walked away from the computer, and put the mobile phone away for a little while?

If you’re overwhelmed by multitasking busyness – try just one day where you commit to being 100% present in the moment of each thing that you do. Prioritise and task sequentially rather than concurrently, and see the difference that it makes to your productivity, your relationships, and your overall sense of wellbeing.

Think for a moment about the five most important experiences of your life – the ones that informed the story that you have created about yourself. What does it tell you? Is it positive and uplifting, assisting you to achieve your dreams? Or are you telling yourself stories based on those experiences that are limiting you – giving you “reasons” and excuses (which will frequently fall into the category like “I’m not good enough” to strive for my dreams because of XYZ experience in the past). Are your stories giving you the inspiration to be the best possible version of yourself that you can be, or are they an anchor weighing you down?

Get past your “story”. What does it really mean? We can LEARN from our experiences, but the stories that we create around them do not need to define who we are. Every day, you have a new opportunity to create a new reality. Take the lessons, but discard the labels. The past is done, and you cannot change it. You can, however, change the meaning you assign to it.

The choice is yours … choose wisely.

There is the golden word – “appropriate”. The very first thing my second year Psychology lecturer said when we were beginning study of psychological testing was “the question is not which test, but why test.”

Clients come to coaching for myriad reasons. Those who come to gain a deeper understanding of themselves, to gain direction, to improve their communication and understanding of others or to develop personal abilities may benefit from an understanding of personality type.

Note that I said “understanding”. There are lots of pop-quiz type “tests” on the internet that will give you a four-letter code result with a brief explanation of your “personality”. While these can be fun little exercises, they don’t give you much more insight than knowing your star-sign. There is also the danger that using personality type in an uninformed way can lead to excuses – i.e. “I’m an INFP, therefore I don’t do detail” is about as useful as “I’m a Cancerian, therefore I’m dreamy”. It’s like creating a neat little box to place yourself into – and used that way, can be very limiting.

Proper use of personality profiling involves some explanation of the theory, which is based in Jungian analytical psychology. A skilled practitioner won’t just give you a test and then pigeonhole you with results. Ideally, a client will self-select their preferences on the four dichotomies through a discussion of the features of each pair, with the testing instrument used only for validation and further discussion.

Although personality preferences for the way we take iin information and make decisions are innate (much like the way we have an innate preference for left or right handedness), we also develop the use of our preferences over time.

It is in gaining an understanding of different natural preferences and in the development of tertiary and inferior functions that a knowledge of personality type can enhance the coaching process. Clients who have been educated in type can begin to recognise the different ways that others prcess information and make decisions, which can greatly assist interpersonal communication and relationships. Skilled coaches can provide exercises and activities to develop tertiary, inferior and shadow functions, leading to greater balance and self-efficacy.

Type is a fascinating field, and a useful tool … but use it wisely. If you are looking for an accredited Type practitioner, check the Australian Association for Psychological Type www.ausapt.org.au

In my previous life in corporate Human Resources, I recall blithely (and somewhat naively) declaiming that “if 90% of what you say to someone is positive, then they are more willing to readily accept and act on that 10% when you need to give them constructive feedback.” Back in the early 2000s I had no evidence-base for that statement whatsoever, but believed it anyway. Call it ‘intuition’ if you will.

Barbara Frederickson, winner of the first $100,000 Templeton Prize for research in positive psychology, has provided the evidence – my 9:1 ratio may have been somewhat optimistic, but the hypothesis is supported – and the ratios sharply differ between workplace relationships and personal relationships.

Based on extensive research with sixty companies, Frederickson found that companies with a better than 2.9:1 ratio of positive to negative statements in business meetings are flourishing. Below that ratio, they are not doing well economically. Though there is a limit – where the ratio is above 13:1 relationships become aimless and credibility is lost. She calls this the ‘Losada ratio’, named for the colleague who discovered the relationship between positive interactions and economic well-being.

Take a moment to consider your workplace interactions, both with colleagues and subordinates. Do you have at least an approximate 3:1 ratio of saying positive things to negative ones? If you don’t – could that be having an effect on your bottom line? Are your people being constrained by a fear of criticism, which will lead them into doing only what is necessary and directed, and stifle creativity and confidence? Conversely, if you have over-embraced positivity and say more than thirteen positive things to every negative one, have you set yourself up to be taken advantage of, with your people not giving their best in the belief that you will just happily accept whatever effort they can be bothered to bestow on your business?

Workplace relationships and personal relationships are different – the people that we choose to make significant in our personal lives both need and deserve a higher ratio of positive to negative interactions.

As Frederickson quite rightly points out, based on research on couples communication conducted by John Gottman, a 2.9:1 ratio in a personal relationship means that you are heading for divorce. Whether it is a life partner, child or close friend, these people need you to invest in their well-being more than any colleague or subordinate in the workplace ever would. So the ratio automatically needs to lift, ideally to at least 5:1. You might not be completely enamoured of every single thing that your partner, child or friend does – and you need to be able to express your feelings or ask them to change their behaviour. However, if that is couched in a truly loving relationship, where at least five times you say something appreciative to every one time you express dissatisfaction, you have the building blocks for a relationship that works.

So think about all your relationships – both at work and in your personal life. What are your Losada ratios? Can you get your communications into the effectiveness band, and make all your relationships flourish?

While I believe that there is a definite place for both therapy and medication in assisting people with a proper clinical diagnosis of Major Depression, there are other approaches which are gaining traction and are being proven effective, particularly for people with either mild depression or reporting depressive symptoms (such as apathy, withdrawal, reduced enjoyment of previously enjoyable activities) who may not need the traditional ‘big guns’ of treatment.

Positive Activity Interventions, which can be facilitated and supported by a counsellor, therapist or coach, have been found to deliver lasting improvements for individuals with mild depression. These activities – which include things like letters of gratitude, focusing on “what went well”, performing acts of kindness, meditating on positive feelings toward others, and actively using signature strengths – are all stigma-free and can be easily implemented into a person’s daily routine. http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/most-popular/restoring-happiness-in-people-with-depression.html

Martin Seligman sums it up well: “We think too much about what goes wrong and not enough about what goes right in our lives … this focus on negative events sets us up for anxiety and depression.” (“Flourish”, 2011, p33). He also maintains that the traditional approach to depression (drugs and psychotherapy) is predominantly cosmetic – that the aim is merely symptom relief (with only a 65% success rate) rather than building the enabling conditions of life (which is to effectively “deal with it”).

So how can Positive Psychology Coaches work with this? Like most interventions, it comes down to “pushing” the client to undertake activities to disprove and change limiting beliefs. The VIA test of signature strengths is a good start http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx – recognising strengths and working with them can engender a host of positive feelings, leading to more positive thought patterns and behaviour.

One of the ways to encourage a shift in thinking that has strong support in the growing evidence base is the “What Went Well” exercise – which is actually good practice for anyone, depressed or not. At the end of the day (in my household, we do this as a family over dinner), identify at least THREE things that went well during the day. They don’t need to be earth-shaking achievements, just good things that happened. Either share them with others, or at least write them down.

Another highly beneficial activity comes from the exceptional coach Janet Whitehead http://musingalong.wordpress.com/2011/08/13/there-is-nothing-wrong-with-you-nothing-isnt-that-a-relief/
which is another exercise designed to re-focus thinking on the positive: write down 50 good things about yourself. People with depressive symptoms may find this particularly challenging, but push through it. Let the “right-brain” take over when the “left-brain” falters, and shift focus to all the things that are right, rather than anything that may be “wrong”.

Once the process starts, you have traction. Even momentary positive feelings can lead to actions, however small they may seem. Those actions can build long-term social, psychological, intellectual and physical skills and reserves.

Shift your thinking. Worth trying.

Particularly when others are appearing to be what you may see as ‘rigid’, ‘unreasonable’, ‘inflexibile’, ‘selfish’ or a host of other things, there are two very important things to remember:

• You cannot ‘change’ someone else – the only thing you can control is you – your perceptions, your responses, and your understanding
• The map is not the territory.  Everyone’s perception of reality is subjective – that person that you see as being ‘unreasonable’ quite probably has a different view of reality to you.

We all create our own reality, or ‘map’ of how we see the world.  This is based on many things – our socialisation, education, experience, values, beliefs, and where we direct our attention.  None of us see the entirity of the world as it “really is” – we interpret our world to create a representation that we understand – and even between people who have an excellent relationship and superlative communication, there will be at least subtle differences in their ‘maps’ of reality.  I could draw you a glorious and detailed map of Sydney for example, but it still would not “be” Sydney – it would be a representation of how I see it, which would probably be quite different from a similarly glorious and detailed map drawn by you.

So what does this mean for interpersonal communication?  If you really want to communicate well with another person, particularly someone with whom you are having difficulties, try to get inside and understand THEIR map, and accept that it will be different to yours.  Accept that what they may see as “absolute truths” or the way that the world is or should be is different to what you see.

Once you can do this, you open up a whole new dimension to communication.  Be willing to accept that reality is a perception, and you will not only perceive more, you will automatically gain heightened empathy and the ability to openly accept, question, explore and have conversations that are meaningful and respectful, and to constructively find solutions.

There are two forms of happiness – “hedonic” happiness (which is generally a reaction to external stimuli, triggering endorphins and making you temporarily “feel good”) and “eudaimonic” happiness, which is quite a different matter – it is a deep and abiding optimism, reflected in a strong self-concept, resilience to setbacks, and a general overall sense of positive well-being.

A life lived purely in pursuit of hedonic happiness is actually shallow, and in the end, unfulfilling.  There are many stories of lottery winners who end up both broke and miserable, as although their sudden economic abundance allowed them to buy things and experiences designed to increase hedonic (transitory) happiness, they did nothing to meet any of their higher needs and gain a sense of meaning and significance – in effect, the increased wealth did nothing to increase eudaimonic happiness.  Conversely, there are myriad examples of people living in conditions that we in the affluent Western world would find quite dire, who have a highly evolved eudaimonic happiness – they consider their lives to be worthwhile and happy, have an incredible ability to appreciate, and have a strong sense of contribution to the world around them.

So where does this eudaimonic happiness come from?

Humans have six core needs.  The first four are core needs of the personality.  They are:

• Certainty, safety, comfort and security
• Variety, uncertainty and adventure
• Significance
• Connection and love

The last two are needs of the spirit.  These are:

• Growth
• Contribution

It is in meeting these spiritual needs that true, long-term eudaimonic happiness is found.  The people who find sustained, attainable and resourceful ways to meet all of these six core needs, and particularly the last two, tend to have an ingrained, abiding sense of happiness and optimism.  They are altruistic, kind, generous, resilient to setbacks, and have an ability to appreciate what is around them.

They spend most of their time in Level 2 thinking (more on this in a moment) leading to more Level 1 experiences … and the quality of life is dependent on the number of Level 1 experiences you gather through it.

“Level1″ is glory at its highest.  It is doing what feels good, is good for you, is good for others, and is good for the greater good.  These are the ultimate hedonic experiences as well.

However, a life lived solely in Level 1  contains no growth.  The game is really played at Level 2 – doing what does NOT feel good (i.e. is unfamiliar or challenging), is good for you, is good for others and is good for the greater good.  This is where many of the needs for growth, contribution and significance are met, and is at the heart of sustainable eudaimonic happiness.

The happiest people I know “get” this.  Although they are universally successful, and in very different fields, they all share a number of behaviours in common:

• “Success” is personally defined in terms of growth and contribution, not just monetary reward
• They are not “luckier” than anyone else – they have faced the same struggles, setbacks and tragedies that any other person may face, but they have the resilience to meet and deal with life challenges from a perspective born of optimism and love
• They are not constantly cheeful – they respond appropriately to external events, but maintain a strong sense of self, and finding the positives in any given situation, no matter how personally challenging
• They are generous – with their time, knowledge, support and praise, and they genuinely like other people
• They are appreciative – they recognise, acknowledge and celebrate the good things around them
• They don’t take themselves too seriously.  They recognise that life is a journey, and that there is always more to learn.  They maintain a sense of “childlike wonder” and genuinely invest themselves in making the journey of life a fascinating and positive experience.

So striving for happiness is a worthwhile goal, once you really understand what sustained happiness is – achieving the peak hedonic experiences through doing the things that make the world a better place in either a micro or macro sense.  There is abundant joy in the world.  Make a contribution to increasing it – and more of it flows back to you.

Aspire to flourish.

Many people find themselves stuck in a form of wishful thinking … “If only I had (more time, more money, more qualifications, more friends … insert whatever is relevant) then I could do (activities with my kids, lose weight, start my own business, get a better job, etc) and only then could I be the person that I would really like to be”.

Thinking this way actually limits your ability to change and to achieve your goals.  Just how long do you intend to wait for those resources you think that you need to have before you take any action to become who you want to be?  You will never be the person you want to be if you wait to HAVE first.

Reverse the thinking of HAVE, DO, BE … and start BEING the person that you want to be right now.

Once you decide to BE the person that you want to be (for example – a successful business owner, or a great parent, or a marathon runner), then you start DOING the things that person does.  It starts with your thinking, and moves on to your actions.  The successful business owner reads books about business and marketing, and networks with other business owners.  The great parent plays with their kids.  The marathon runner eats healthy food and runs increasing distances to build stamina and technique.  Step by step, choosing to BE the person you want to be first with your thoughts, then with your words and your actions, will cause the results to appear.  

By being the person that you really want to be right now, whether you have everything in place to reach your goals or not, you will bring about the life you want sooner rather than later.  BE the person that you want to be, start DOING what that person does – and you will find that you HAVE what that person has.

BEING is the outcome.  DOING is the process.  HAVING is the result.

It may be “overwhelm” – that feeling that it’s all too “big” or “unfamiliar”, or that the required action means stretching yourself way out of your comfort zone.

Some insights from productivity coach Hillary Rettig may help – she has identified six ways to beat the “productivity hurdles” that can stop people from pursuing their dreams.

Get clear on your mission – re-state and re-articulate what it is that you truly want.  Know WHY you want it, and what difference it is going to make to your life.  Be able to clearly see a future where you have achieved the goal.  If you really need a “push” – look into a future where you haven’t done it, and are still sitting and “wishing” three, six or twelve months from now.  Compare the pleasure of achieving your mission with the pain of doing nothing, and having nothing change.

Journal – keeping a journal really helps to identify your hurdles.  You can look back and deconstruct any procrastination behaviour – what you were doing, when and why – which can then help you to not only understand how you are sabotaging yourself, but can start the thought processes about how to overcome and change those procrastination behaviours.

Identify your snarls - Rettig says that it isn’t just one immense thing that gets in the way of progress, it’s a combination of things.  Use your journal to identify the various strands in your snarl, and then problem-solve around them individually.  This is a particularly useful technique for overcoming that feeling of being “overwhelmed” – focus on and solve one strand of the snarl at a time, and celebrate each achievement.

Time yourself - is it really a “lack of self-discipline” or a “lack of motivation” that is causing procrastination?  Rettig proposes that it is a “disempowerment caused by fear”, fed by perfectionism.  As long as your goals are sound (remember the SMART principle?) and are both achievable and realistic, you can achieve them if you take the action required.  There is no “failure” – only “feedback”.  If your first attempt does not achieve your goal, accept the feedback, analyse what happened, and try again.  To use this in overcoming procrastination, do some timed exercises – identify something on your action list that you need to do, and do it for a set time period you can easily achieve.  Acknowledge yourself for the achievement.

Approach the task with compassion and avoid judgement - what you accomplish during that timed exercise doesn’t matter – just approach it without the need for perfection.  You may be surprised at how much you can achieve in a short period of focused effort, just “doing” it .

Surround yourself with a supportive community - one of the best pieces of advice I received when I commenced coaching was “be aware of how you spend your time, your money, and who you hang out with”.  Surround yourself with people who will support you on your path – those who truly want to help you to achieve your goals.  People who are themselves blocked or unsuccessful will damage your productivity if you give them too much space in your life.

If you want to read more of Hillary Rettig’s work, you can download the e-book  here http://hillaryrettig.com/downloads/e-books/